Weddings and other occassions for offense

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Very recently I was dragged into a conversation around a certain Pastor whose child was getting married. The bone of contention seemed to be the unwillingness of the Pastor to invite the everyone in church to the wedding reception. I was aware I was entering slippery ground because the tone of the person speaking suggested she had not only concluded that this Pastor was in the wrong but was also peddling that gospel. Since I didn't want to be a convert to any train of thought that would lead me in the error of holding something against someone who in reality owed me nothing, I put myself on alert as she spoke. I told myself  I wasn't going to get offended after all I wasn't directly related to this family, I wasn't putting a kobo of my money into their hands to help with all the bills and having been there before I guessed they were probably thinking of the cost of catering for a whole congregation minus their own host of family and friends. This turned out to be true necessitating my friend's change of heart and making me feel proud I did not take the bait.

Weddings are bobby trapped with lots of occasions for offense. The number of people involved, the differences in taste and personality and the amount of decisions to be made are the perfect recipe for disaster and couples barely go unscathed. But I am not as concerned about the clashes between family members or the gauntlet a couple is passed through by their well meaning church counsellors or village elders as all these come with the territory and have come to be seen as a necessary rite of passage that separates the men from the boys. Rather my concern is about the little squabbles and petty quarrels that can well be overlooked but sadly turn into major drama distressing the couple more than necessary.

Having gone through that baptism of fire myself I have gained more sympathy for intending couples and have found out that 9 out of 10 times the anger targeted at the wedding party is misplaced. So friends and family, the next time wedding bells ring around you, get out your shock absorber and decide that this is an occasion for celebration not one for offense and no matter which of these things happen, you will not be offended:

You didn't get an invite to the traditional wedding?

I didn't know it before but I have discovered that a wedding is a private and personal thing. Somewhere between attending other people's weddings and eating their rice and chicken  and people attending my wedding and eating my rice and chicken, I have learned that a wedding is between two people and they are the only ones that know what they are passing through the whole time.

Somewhere between those two and their families are histories and experiences that friends and well wishers know nothing about. The tears in a grandmother's eye, the shudder of a mother's shoulder, the crazed dance of a parent, the solemnity of a sibling, the big fight with no apparent cause, the insistence on a rite, the strangeness in the usual- all mysteries that turn you from a friend to an outsider. So you didn't get invited? Maybe it was family only for reasons better not known to you. It's not the time to get angry about not being included, it's the time to support your friends where they think they need you the most.

Didn't get a personal call or visit informing you about the wedding?

I had barely confirmed the agreed dates of my wedding or gotten used to the idea myself before I started receiving calls from "aggrieved" quarters about not being informed of my wedding dates. The tone of entitlement in some voices left me irritated as I considered how much of their concern was merely about being current with the newsfeed of my life as opposed to being genuinely interested in my wellbeing through those events. I was grateful to the very matured few who told me they had heard from xyz but understood that with all the preparations I was probably overwhelmed and would take a while to reach everyone with the news.

News spreads faster than legs or call credit can carry them and most of the time you aren't being overlooked. The couple will not be able to tell everyone or visit everyone, don't take it personal. If you heard, call the couple and congratulate them. Don't just ask them to let you know where you can help, tell them you have a car, driver or house they can use or put your 5 or 10k into their bank account. While you are busy deciding not to attend because you were not important enough to have been told personally but had to see the wedding in a church bulletin someone else who heard the night before is deciding that the occasion is too important to them to take that aspect personally. It might not be what you think at all.

Didn't get aso ebi?

Because I wanted cord lace for my friends I knew my aso ebi was not going to be the typical N3,500. I knew it would be expensive and so I had made up my mind that not only would I take the hint at the slightest show of hesitation when I approached anyone with aso ebi, I would not be offended in the least bit if they refused be they childhood friend or someone whose aso ebi I had purchased before. Furthermore, I didn't want the hassle of buying bales and bales of cloth or chasing people for payments so I reduced my headache to a few pieces and made my peace with that. It had nothing to do with which friend would get or not so I was totally perplexed when I was accused of selecting those I offered my aso ebi to and what was more amusing was that those who claimed not to be included waited till the week of the wedding when nothing could be done to complain!

I know this aso ebi issue can really get out of hand and stir the hornet's nest but seriously, we can chill all the way down and not let it be a reason to get offended at the bride at a time when we should be giggling with her.

Didn't get the contract to provide a service at your friend's wedding?

Maybe she wanted something different, something she saw and fell in love with right away. You can't help such things, those whims that come with your special day. It wasn't done to hurt you specifically, let it go. Some people also avoid using friends or family for business for obvious reasons and remember the wedding is about two families. The other side might have come with their caterer or decorator or the bride might have had to  make a compromise to please someone so look the other way, let it slide and enjoy really being at the event.

There will also be plenty occasions for the couple to get upset- unfiltered comments, competitive relatives, church rules, unexplained expectations, vendors from hell, gossip mongers, difficult in-laws and so on. It's all part of the territory and some things you have no control over but you can decide it won't offend you if:

A close relative/friend can't make the wedding?

Between dodging the man- made obstacles and fielding the difficult terrain of wedding preparation, it occurred to me that the least of my worries was who graced the occasion with their presence. Our resolve was being tested enough by the pressure from the stress and strain on the narrow road to matrimony. I made up my mind that whomever God wanted to be there would be there and agreed with myself that it wasn't meant to be if someone found themselves unavoidable absent. That settled it for me so I wasn't surprised or disappointed when I didn't see someone or they called to apologise. The decision not to be riled up by anyone's absence had taken care of that for me.

Your best lady or someone you need isn't as supportive as you would like?

Issokay. Why are you looking up to the hills when your help comes from the maker of heaven and earth who can move anyone in heaven or earth to show you support and encouragement? Next! Find someone else near you who will share your excitement or feel your pain. Let her keep her bridesmaid title, you keep your sanity.

Something didn't turn out the way you expected it to?

Don't expect everything to go perfectly and when they don't just focus on the things that do go well. It doesn't have to pain you like that like that. Hopefully with good planning more things went well than out of hand, so count your blessings, name them one by one and it will surprise what the Lord has done.

Loved ones the next time you catch yourself flirting with a growing suspicion that something the bride or groom did was to offend you personally, please rise above it and remember you do not have to take the bait- you can remain unoffended. Bride and groom there will be a lot to irritate you, some things will get the best of you but if you have already decided that you will not be dragged by anger, harassed by strife or mangled by conflict then catch it before it latches unto you by refusing to take offense. Back to sender!!!

So head over to the comments section and leave your comment. The best comment wins a copy of "The Power of a praying wife" by Stormie Omartian! Best book on learning to see behind your spouse's quirks and deal with rising emotions in prayer first before "responding" in love not reacting in anger.

Loving you long distance

Have you ever had a conversation with someone where you left with this uncomfortable feeling of confusion as to what transpired there that would leave you feeling a tad angry, sad or just put off? Yes you laughed and hugged good bye, you even enjoyed bits of the conversation and might even have benefitted from being around this friend but somewhere in between something was done or said that cast an unpleasant cloud over the whole visit.

Before now I would never have thought of or given myself permission to purposely put distance between myself and someone I considered a friend and was only capable of this when I realised I absolutely had to rescue myself out of the negative impact of the words and actions of a friend who wasn't relating with me in a healthy, nurturing way.

I once had a very confusing friendship with a person who would appear to encourage my efforts and give me advice but it all seemed contrived. It would come as critique from an expert to a protégé, it sometimes was unwarranted, it overlooked reasons to praise or commend, and it was always in comparism to what this person was doing. Additionally, there always seemed to be a need to inform me of every detail that suggested this person's progress in the area I was also trying to build a niche in and this information wasn't limited to places gone or tasks done, I was duly informed when connections I had, had also become this person's as well.

There was a sense of entitlement which expected many things I couldn't expect in return and any refusal on my part to do something for this person was met with wounded feelings and harsh accusations that usually went something like- and I thought we were friends- it was all very one-sided.

At first all I did was talk. What the said friend said to me, what the said friend was doing and what I thought of what the said friend was saying or doing. Then my confidant of choice would add two cents usually to justify my analysis- yes I noticed this and that too- or sympathize with how I felt and suggest a way to handle it. I had taken the bait and it didn't take much to get me really fired up talking on this subject, I was consumed by the emotions I felt and didn't even know just how fixated I was getting on this issue.

But it was just talk. I felt too guilty to make any move. I thought of the length of friendship and the impact my actions would have on the wider web of relationships this friendship was a part of. So I did nothing until I was sure of what low risk, high impact strategy I could use. Finally after long suffering (lol), I decided to stop listening, to stop focusing, to stop reading and to stop being part of the audience this person had.

I stopped reading update messages this person regularly sent but deleted them as soon as they flooded my phone. I identified that the preferred mode of communication with me was messaging so I discouraged this by keeping messages unread as long as I could ignore them and long after the mood this person had to converse had expired.

At first it was hard to ignore someone whose words I had let have my attention before but gradually each ignored message gave me the balls to delete the next until I gathered enough courage to block off the contact from my messaging service. At this point this person desperately did all to regain my ears, including arm twisting me into going back to the way things were before. And for the first time I was totally convinced this person knew exactly what they had been doing all along and stuck to my guns.

Eventually I noticed I stopped talking about this person. The little I knew of this person, the little I suspected of what they were trying to do, the less I thought of them. Finally there was peace as I limited their reach to me. And when it was absolutely necessary, I controlled if there was any need to get in touch and made sure it wasn't an avenue to be exploited or belittled.

I share this to say that as difficult as the task of pruning the dead branches in our network is, it's our responsibility to do so to keep a healthy tree. Some relationships will test our patience and we will have to decide which to endure and which to let go of. The friend who rubs you off the wrong way. The relative who leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. The colleague who turns you into a friend so they can undermine you as a boss. The peer who makes you look bad to look good. The person who justifies their progress only in comparism to yours. People who minimize to equalize.

They are perfect candidates to love long distance.

That Neccessary Unrest!

I'm having it again!

That itch.

That feeling that until X is done I will not be able to give myself rest.

I know it won't go away- that necessary unrest that will drive me until I just do it.

I know it will only get worse the more I seat on my bum not being about it.

I've felt it several times before.

There was that time when I wanted to start a monthly event of some sort.

It started as a desire, then crystallized into a thought as I found out what it would be about. Then it began to itch just a little and as time passed with me doing nothing it worsened. Each time I saw a broadcast about some monthly event it itched and itched and itched until I had to do something to scratch back ... that was the beginning of iBlog.

I'm having it again!

That itch.

 

11 Ways to Handle Critism Online.

I googled this once and didn't find very helpful suggestions on how to deal with trolls online so I hope I can help someone else with more practical ways to handle the heat when being attacked online or in the media.

1. Handle it like a pro

Like Bey! Beyoncé is a celebrity who knows the up and down sides of her star lit world. She understands that she can be hailed "hosanna" one day and "crucify him" the next so whether it's a pregnancy rumour or a split scare, you never see 'yonce react in the media but be sure she'll post an innocent picture of her flat belly or a casual picture of a romantic getaway to frighten the lie back into the shadows. So don't join the drama or get riled up and add to the heat- make sure the people you are trying to prove a point to are really worth it before working up a sweat.


2. Let others fight for you

I wrote an article on BellaNaija and someone came for me in the comment section. See a screen grab from the comment section and the article I wrote here. Luckily, readers called this critic out.

3. See if there is anything to learn from the criticism

Again on the same site, Cindy kept leaving contrary comments and after getting refuted a few times by other users, the young lady's comment finally dwindled down to the real emotions behind the outburst.

Sometimes the person might have a point they are trying to make but are lacking in the interpersonal and relational skill to make it...

 

4. Don't fuel the fire

Most of the time the general public is not really aware of whatever the story is about and in responding fire for fire you draw their attention to the story revealing even more information than what was originally out there.

I see people respond on TV or top magazines to accusations made on one small blog or through the grapevine and shake my head in amazement as the subject takes the bait and helps their critic or attacker spread the venom about them to more people on a platform the critic would never have gotten access to. Why share your spot light with the enemy? Retain your right to keep your affairs private and refocus the spotlight on your achievements instead.

5. Address the facts only, ignore the vitriol.

Example: X is a stupid whore and husband snatcher.
Response:X is a married woman whose husband was previously unmarried.

If you must respond, address the facts only but side step the landmines of provocation. A tantrum thrower wants nothing more than for you to give them a reason that justifies their bad behaviour. They are always waiting for you to get caught in the mud fight and sling some shots back at them so they can feel justified to hurl more dirt at you.

They are probably better at mud slinging and tantrum throwing than you, the worst mistake you can make is to stoop down to their level and get into their comfort zone. Instead be like America and don't negotiate or engage with terrorists.

6. See it for what it is

Don't let the poison sink in. More than half the time it is not about you but about them.


7. Delete. Ignore

Know what to ignore. Not everything deserves your attention.


8. Keep records where necessary for future reference

Keep print screens, correspondences, recordings especially if they are threats or you suspect criminal intent. You might need to file a case in the future and you will need evidence to prove it.

9. Don't play their games

Don't enter their mind games and play by their rules. Most stalkers et al construct an image of who they think they are dealing with, that person is not you. This image fits their fantasy idea of the relationship they have conjured up with you in their heads. So reaffirm that you are not that fantasy image by not playing along in the roles they have defined for you in their obsessions.

10. Set and communicate your boundaries

Let people know what sort of comments or behaviours are accepted on your platform. And be ready to take action that reinforce your boundaries.

11.Take action

Delete comments, block trolls, unfriend, uninvite, unfollow or take down accounts.

Ultimately there is a devil- that's your real enemy. Don't waste fuel fighting the people letting him use them. Sometimes when the heat is unwarranted and unfair get on your knees and address things from the source.

Don't forget to breathe! This too shall pass!

Photo credit: http://lorirtaylor.com/how-to-spot-social-media-stalkers-before-its-too-late/

The Ghost of the Ex: Things you should know

The ex that remains in your head. The one you imagine you will see when you are having a bad hair day. The one your mind pesters you about running into when you are at your worst.

The one that haunts you with only the saddest memories of that chapter and exaggerates the impact of the pain on the present. The ex you are supposed to forget but don't.

Rather than be tormented by these ghosts, here are truths about the situation to give you a more peaceful perspective on your past and keep you from being nervous about running into them in the future.

They are not better (or worse) off than you

Seriously speaking we think about the ex way more than we would admit-where they are in their lives right now and what they would think of ours. And especially when we were the ones who were left, we hope they would be impressed gobsmacked, no dumbstruck at what we've done with our life. We want them to know that we are not "there" where they left us and get more satisfaction than we should when we run into them at our best and even more so if we find them at their worst.

If you live long enough you realise that life is difficult and no one is exempt from the ebb and flow of good and bad, success and failure, ease and difficulty that characterize our existence. And that being the leveller, your ex, just like you is struggling through parts of their life and coasting through others and it has nothing to do with who he or you ended up with. So no you don't need to prove "I am doing well without you" or get even "your life will be hell without me". You only have to remember that it isn't always what it seems and put less value on appearances- yours and theirs.

They have nothing on you

It stings to be on the receiving end of a quit notice from a relationship. The other person was prepared and you were not! By the time you could come up with your own reasons why the relationship wasn't working for you, the referee had declared the winner, the crowd had cheered and you were the only one left in the ring! But the score is less obvious than the ten points to none you were dealt.

If you are married long enough you realise that no person is perfect no less the person who read you the riot act. They will go on to date/live with/marry someone who will also have faults and get the unpleasant punishment of bearing with their partner's flaws. They also will exhibit flaws that justify that long and tired list you drew up about why they weren't perfect for you either. So before you run after their retreating shadow yelling "you didn't fire me, I quit", remember the real audit of both the character of the person who fired and the one who was fired is coming regardless of who called it quits first.

You broke up with them too

Not that "he jilted me" , "she broke my heart" , "he left me for someone else" , "he ended the relationship" ," he rejected me " but that "we broke up", "our relationship ended", "we went our separate ways".

Own your choice whether it came second or was the result of the other person's decision; whether you said it to their face or it was the only option left for you to accept- you had a voice in there somewhere too. It might have been "if he couldn't stay then he didn't deserve me to stay and I am leaving too!" or "Although I have never had or entertained a reason not to continue in this relationship, now I do with this freshly surfacing fact that she wants out, so I want out too!".

If you've been around long enough you realise that the dynamics of life are sometimes like a game of chess- it's all about making and responding to moves. So put less value on who made the first move or who made the second move, sometimes there is a benefit to your opponent making the first move because then you can calculate your next move better.

Your version of events count

Not that you are bad but you were simply misunderstood. Not that you went that low to have dated someone you now feel didn't deserve you, but that you didn't know then that they didn't. Not that you must be stupid to have made a stupid mistake but that you didn't know better or know enough.

If you've been around long enough you realise there are two sides to every story. The story from your perspective of events counts too and certainly above expressed, perceived or popular opinion on what went wrong. Remember you can stick with your story as you understood it and find shelter from other versions that cast you in the worst light.

It wasn't all bad

Just like it wasn't all good memories, it wasn't all bad either. So don't be so hard on yourself for letting someone into your life that caused you pain or unfair to them by blaming them for it. There were some of your needs that were met, there were some parts of it you could be faulted with, there might be something in it for you. Shall we only accept the good and not the bad?

If you look back far enough into your past, you realise that no one experience has defined your entire life either as good or bad, happy or sad but there were good or bad legs along the journey of your generally good life -the rest of which is still unwritten. So let all the facts come in before you decide that that experience ruined your life, or was the worst thing that happened to you, don't judge a book by a chapter.

You got away with it

When we are hurt in a relationship, we want the person who hurt us to know how much their actions affected us, we even want them to experience the pain they caused us. We don't want them to get away easy. But if we expect them to get a taste of their medicine shouldn't we also expect to receive punishment for those we've also hurt? If the ill we wished the ex we are aggrieved with took root, it might still not be a satisfying feeling or it's poison might have far reaching consequences beyond our intentions affecting other innocent lives. Sometimes what we need is the work we will have to do within ourselves, we might find it much more satisfying than the jungle justice we have in mind.

Sometimes just by walking on their own journey a person who once hurt us might realise their mistake, other times just by walking on our journey, we find restoration through one event, person, perspective or the other. Sometimes just by going on you find a you that can surprisingly let it all go. What they have given you in disguise is an opportunity- probably one to stand on your own and find your own strength or an option to live a different life from the dysfunction theirs is.

If you observe life close enough you realise that without any help on anyone's part people stumble and fall. They even fall by their own hands and suffer of their own doing. They are the first to reap the seeds of their character faults. Put less emphasis on whether they got away with it or not, just make sure you got away unbroken in spite of it.

They were never yours to own

We hold on too tightly to our belongings- the things we've gotten used to having and holding, loving and cherishing that we forget they aren't ours to own. They may be ours to cherish and love, to hold and have through the season or seasons but never ours to own. So our love must be wise enough to be free- freely taking, freely giving, never a debt; freely coming, freely going, never a shackle; free to enter, free to leave; never a bondage.

If you think long enough about it, you come to the conclusion that little in life is yours to control, not this person and certainly not the choices they made. They were theirs to make when they came into your life and theirs to make when they left. They can leave. It's a choice they have. That's how come they can leave you, because you don't own them. That's how come you can let them go, because you don't own them. They came, they left and it's A-Okay! You didn't loose them, you didn't fail- they weren't yours to own anyway.

It's okay you didn't forget them

No one really does and it's okay not to. It is in error to think that we can forget. Have you ever caught the whiff of a perfume and remembered a person? Has an event from the past come to mind without your help? Has a name or face you haven't heard or seen in years just drop into your conscious mind without being invoked ?

If you look back far enough, you can find a long list of things you forgot but got reminded of so don't bother with forgetting instead live with it, the past co-existing peacefully with the present.

Final thoughts

When I started writing this post, I naturally assumed an ending with the conclusion to crush, eliminate, bury and send Psalm 91 prayers after those good for nothing thoughts ghosts that remain long after their essence have been buried but found enlightenment in the very act of attempting to ask you to do what I couldn't- forget.

For a long time I had a hard time wrapping my head around a series of innocent misunderstandings that surrounded and probably also led to the demise of a previous relationship with an ex and his family. After trying to explain it to myself I resigned to the truth that at the end of the day this family were complete strangers who didn't know me and whom I didn't know as well, so it was understandable if they misread my intentions and if I didn't understand their actions. They were strangers and the opinions of strangers shouldn't carry so much weight. It definitely could be brushed off if it couldn't be forgotten.

The length of time you spent in that relationship was only a fraction compared to your life, its not important enough for you to immortalize it or engrave it in the sands of time. Acknowledge it but dismiss it casually with a "it happened a long time ago" or a "it's not relevant now". Give it the same distance time has put between you and the past.

Sometimes its really all in your head, those ghosts. Not real. After breaking up with an ex, I expected to run into him not only in places we used to visit but in places I imagined he would frequent - embassies, airports, hotels, even on the internet dripping in fan love but it was me who turned up in those places, it was me who met my expectations of where I'd expect a person to be to look like they had moved forward!

Put all the ghosts out of your mind and all of your thoughts on yourself for a change, by remembering to think about you, you opt to forget about them.
 

It's Guest Post Tuesday!

Today I am lending my platform to Fola Aina, a policy analyst and advocate of good governance and youth development. Hear what he has to say-

RETHINKING NIGERIA’S AFROCENTRISM: THE IMPERATIVE FOR EXPANSION IN THE WAKE OF TERRORISM

On March 28^th, 2015, Nigerians came out en mass to vote in the country’s presidential elections which had been shifted from its previous date. The news making the rounds was that the elections had to be rescheduled to allow for time to oust the dreaded Boko Haram sect in the North Eastern part of the country. Nigerians has since shown the world that their collective will surpasses the acts of misguided terrorists who hide under the cover of innocent and unarmed citizens. The elections have since been credited as being one of the most credible in the history of Nigeria’s democratic sojourn.

From Mali to Kenya, and across the rest of the African continent, the threat posed by terrorism remains real. Its effects have left devastating and irreversible scars on inhabitants of local communities and city centres, across the continent. While terrorism remains universal, it has become a major issue to an increasing number of African governments, thereby impeding efforts aimed at fast-tracking economic growth and development on the continent. With an ever increasing population and an emerging economy, Nigeria has an undeniable responsibility in providing the much needed leadership in dismantling, decapitating and ultimately destroying organised terrorism on the continent.

Before now, Nigeria’s foreign policy took on a more vibrant and assertive posture in West Africa. Nigeria was at the forefront of efforts aimed at ensuring peace and security in the sub region. These efforts were complimented by the active participation of Nigerian troops, adjudged to be one of the best in the world, in UN peacekeeping missions. However, domestic challenges emanating from the Niger Delta region a few years into the forth republic, in the form of armed militancy, brought on Nigeria, the need to re-evaluate and cut short on her Afrocentric adventurism in West Africa.

Some are of the opinion that Nigeria still has a lot of issues to content with at home and as such, cannot afford the luxury of stepping up for those who seek her wealth of experience in peace building and peacekeeping. While these postulations hold true, they should not negate the necessity of timely engagement, taking into account the likelihood of looming domino effects resulting from negligence. Make no mistakes; Nigeria’s failure to demonstrate and follow through on her commitments to providing actionable leadership in Africa is a grave strategic miscalculation on the continent.  Nigeria must demonstrate its collective resolve in rooting out terrorism within her boarders while intensifying concrete steps directed at suffocating the menace posed by terrorist groups on the continent.

The attack in Garrisa, Kenya in recent times, by a group of armed terrorists which left 147 people dead is a constant reminder that all efforts need to be on deck in crippling terrorist activities on the African continent. In pursuing this objective, Nigeria through trust building, should seek for additional ways in which she can match her diplomatic rhetoric with demonstrable actions. It is not enough to ‘pledge support’ to our friends and allies as they struggle with the devastation that accompanies acts of terror. For instance, Nigeria should be able to, and politically willing, to consolidate on her diplomatic relations with Kenya, by sending a small contingent of Special Operations Forces, alongside a medical team, equipment and logistics as a ‘show of support’ to Kenya.

Nigeria must also strengthen the collective resolve of her regional partners such as Chad, Cameroun, and Benin, in dislodging terrorism. It is unacceptable and unfortunate that while we were once the envy of these countries, we have had to almost completely depend on them for our external security. The need to embark on the task of rebuilding Nigeria’s military apparatus has never been more urgent. No country should have to suffer in the hands of terrorists.

 No efforts should be spared in mobilizing resources aimed at establishing a truly formidable 21^st Century military force. Lives are at stake. We should therefore give this the due attention it deserves. We should never seat back, with our arms folded while innocent lives suffer in the hands of barbaric miscreants who call themselves terrorists. Freedom is a universal human right which must be respected. The kidnapping of over 200 girls in Chibok community, exactly a year ago is a painful reminder of the need to vigorously pursue the safety of lives and property in the wake of growing terrorism both domestically and internationally.

This is call to all and should not only be heeded by African leaders, but also African citizens as well. We all have a collective responsibility to ensure that we stand up for the most vulnerable in our midst.

Follow Fola on Twitter @folanski

 

To Ignore or Answer?

Usually when I log into the blog here, I get a red alert on the dashboard that says for instance- 30 comments awaiting moderation. I have seen this alert a hundred times but one day, it read differently for some reason. There were comments, yes...they were 30 of them, ok but the key word was they were "waiting".

A light bulb turned on.

I could get to them when I wanted to!

Matter of fact, I could delete them, I could read them, I could ignore them, I could reply them, I could do what I wanted with them. I had the choice.

Mentally I pictured the scene from coming to America where King Jafi joffer said "Let them wait!, I'm talking to my son!" yup, I could even do that too!

I could choose what I let into my world and when.

Whether in our real or virtual worlds, we can choose the comments, opinions, behaviours and people we allow in.

Sometimes we forget we have that choice, but it's really up to us to identify what we need to ignore and when we do, find the "how" to ignore it.

Relationship faux pas: Who to tell what?

So confiding in someone during a crisis is sometimes considered a healthy way of letting out steam, gaining perspective or even finding solutions to a problem but across the plethora of relationships who do you tell what? Especially when lips pried open by crisis screw shut when secrets spilled are used against it or comments made by the confidante while sympathizing with one side get to the other party and you suddenly go from sympathizer to outsider- you know too much and now that the heat is off, you will reap cold shoulders, withdrawn statements and curtly discontinued updates!

 A spat with a family member?

I'd say tell another family member. A general rule of thumb is to tell the person who can talk to the family member you are in disagreement with. Someone this family member can listen to will also likely be someone who will keeps things said in perspective and de-escalate comments said in anger or made in exaggeration knowing the personalities of the people involved. I'd say tell another family member over telling a spouse or a friend- you might feel responsible if your spouse can't get over what that family member did to you long after you have.

A spat with a friend?

Hmmm. I'd say don't spread the poison to the other friends, keep it closed and don't expect/even discourage mutual friends from taking up your fight and acting funny towards the offender. Keep the he said she said to a minimum by having the refereeing friend and both of you in one room while resolving issues.

A spat with your partner?

Tricky. In general circles keeping it between yourself and your spouse is the rule of thumb. This is an opportunity to exercise the motto that there is nothing that you cant resolve between you and if problems are always resolved for you, you loose the opportunity to learn to tide over your issues together. The problem here is usually in not waiting for the ripe time to address heated issues.

I've noticed that at the right time and with the right approach you can get your spouse to understand how they hurt you and tell them how you felt about your experience of the disagreement between you two. You know better how to persuade and negotiate and what to leverage to upturn an argument than the referee who might miss the nuances in your relationship and attribute their experiences to yours.

I think generally and 99.9% of the time this should work but when it gets to that matter that is the 0.1% , go get that referee!

A spat between your spouse and their sibling?

Stay out of it. hahahahaha! Ok this is a borrowed opinion from someone who maintains that when rifts are mended, your comments might come back to haunt you. But here you probably want to provide your spouse understanding and help him/her keep the peace and unity of his/her family in view while taking a decision but for the most part, keep away from saying negative things about the offending family member and keep to suggestions- let the spouse decide how he/she prefers to handle his/her family.

A spat with a colleague?

If its a subordinate, try to resolve it. If it gets beyond what you can handle, channel it to human resources. I find that in the work place, following official channels of conflict resolution are more effective at passing the message to the offending party that they are in a corporate environment and have to play by the rules.

A direct effort at letting the offender know what you are unhappy about, followed by a report to a line manager and after that a notice to human resources is the recommended approach. Otherwise it will fester, others will copy the bad behaviour or the subject becomes fodder for office gossip and escalates into a mountain.

On a final note, keep all personal things personal and out of the work place, it will give you a sense of self respect when a colleague isn't using a personal matter to insult you at work.

So before you open your lips to vent, think first- who should I tell this?

The 20s or 30s bride

I got married on the stroke of 30 and it wasn't planned. Growing up I thought I would be married at 23 for what reason I can't remember, then I moved the expiry date of my self -inflicted singleness to my 27th year because of something some girl I don't remember said  that made 27 sound a cool age to get married. Although I put these ages down as expected times of arrival in the land of marital bliss, when I got to each milestone I didn't want to get married.

It had become less about when and more about when I felt ready. Then it became less about when I felt ready to who I would marry because I had adopted the commonly slung around ideology that when you meet the right person he will make you feel ready to take that step with him.

Let me back track a bit to age 17 when I looked around at the dating scene which was rife with girls of secondary school age professing to be kept women and girls playing house with university students for whom it was convenient, and I decided that it wasn't for me. I remember agreeing with myself that I wanted to get to know who I was for myself first before some guy defined me and maybe put a label on me that had nothing to do with me except to serve himself or justify his perception. I didn't want to be labelled a second opinion of myself without first getting to form my own opinion of myself, by myself.

 And "by myself" meant exactly that so I didn't get into boys early and by the time I paired up it was at the over ripe age of 24! I hadn't planned on waiting that long and I blame it on encountering the small issue of being cast in the mold of "she can't be single, sure she has a boyfriend'  for my looks and the even more sobering perception formed by one male friend - "you look like you have it all sorted, like you don't need a man" for my confidence. By the time I was ready, the guys around me had found other interests having made failed attempts, the interested ones didn't get it up to ask while some others who did, I found unsuitable.

Plus I was picky and picky girls, quick brides do not make. Thus I missed 23 and 27 non challantly but as 30 beckoned I certainly started laying wishes on shooting stars and birthday cake candles to be married at 30 and again not for any of the conventional reasons like biological clocks or passing time. It just felt like a tidy age to end one chapter and head into the next. It was also the age I fully accepted my maturity and felt more adult than child. Finally the confidence that I had been waiting for to handle marriage  arrived like breasts programmed to manifest at puberty.

I now had an answer to all the "what ifs" that used to plagued a younger me -I was woman enough. Woman enough to handle in-laws, take care of a home, and navigate the dynamics of that much yoked a relationship. I had put faith in the fact that I could form any word the future would demand with the meagre 26 alphabets I had learned. And with words I could form sentences.

My filter for who to date or consider marriage material had also metamorphosed. I came to admit that although I often boasted about how I could instinctively tell the intentions of every male who came my way by some feminine super power which allowed me to see their soul, I realised that this was a presumptuously vain way of telling people apart and I needed to give people more of a chance. I admitted that my filter (the glasses with which I was seeing the world of males) could be faulty. For instance good was good, good didn't have to be saintly and nice was nice, nice didn't have to be subservient.

Maybe all these internal changes had something to do with it or did not but soon I was heading to the altar and by the time I arrived at my wedding day just months after celebrating the big three- o, it wasn't the giddy, starry-eyed 23 or 27 year old me with great expectations (another term for unrealistic expectations) that showed up.

All my disillusionment from my 20s about prince charming and knights in shiny armour had cleared. I knew what I was getting myself into and yes in that sense in which people use the phrase- I knew it wasn't an easy thing to be had- this happily married life.

I wasn't looking across at my groom with love blinded eyes neither did I have left any of those soul mate ideologies upon which people make statements like "we were meant to be". My eyes had been opened to the fact that we were both imperfect people capable of both hurting and loving each other and meaning to be would be a more helpful philosophy to get us through our journey than believing we would for the flimsy reason that we were meant to.

I couldn't be 20 about it knowing what 30 had taught me. Because of things like this and knowing there would be days like this. So I am happy with the way it turned out- I was a 30s bride. It was not too early or too late, it was just right- when I was ready!