August 18, 2015

The day I abused Haruna!

I called Haruna one boy like that! 

A friend had just read my raves racking post how to be happy, and we were discussing it. Meanwhile I was still in the “anointing” that had washed over me to write it and it was while mulling over a thousand connected thoughts and insights about myself, Haruna and the dynamic of our relationship, that I suddenly had a light bulb moment!

Only days before, a foolish thought had crept into my head to send me on a mission not of my own choosing. I wanted to tell Haruna I was not playing again. I was taking my toys and going home to my house. When I heard my own thoughts, I distanced myself from them. They weren’t mine- merely suggestions from the child in me throwing a tantrum to get attention, so I picked up the phone and reported her to Haruna instead of doing her bidding.

I had to accept that rather than throw a tantrum or throw our relationship into a few days of sulky responses and silent treatment, that the adult thing to do was to say, " hey, I’m here, this is what I need", and wait for him to respond. And beyond that I had to accept that I couldn’t force him to respond or decide what the response would be and I agreed that I wouldn't try either.
But without my favourite tools of choice- the tantrum, the pout and the sulk; I didn’t have control!

Not over him at least but definitely over myself and the thoughts in my head and that was in itself victory!
So yes I abused Haruna- that “one boy like that who won’t let me control him”!

August 17, 2015

Should you visit unannounced?

Sometime in the lifetime of her relationships, a woman will encounter this widely preached gospel to visit the person she is dating unannounced to catch habits which are not verifiable otherwise. For instance if he keeps a messy liar, nurses a bad habit or of course, has another woman!

This FBI move is often justified by the fact that you truly don't know a person until you live with them so there might be merit in seeing the way they live first hand and if there is any doubt about their faithfulness, what better way to ensure they get caught without time to destroy the evidence, than to appear unannounced with a search warrant! And of course there is the surprise visit just for the thrill of giving your better half a good surprise.

Whatever the motive, the unannounced visit has its merits and demerits. For instance it can show the degree of something e.g. a statement like "I am a casual drinker" might mentally translate a picture of him occasionally consuming shot glass sizes of alcohol once in a blue moon while a visit might reveal several bottles at home and a larger appetite than one imagined. It can also help confirm a hunch- clandestine relationships, the real state of his financial affairs, family dynamics, influences and loyalties e.t.c.

When you think that the impact of a marriage on one's life can far outlive a life time you want to do as much due diligence as you can not as little as you can get away with without having to ruffle a feather or raise an eyebrow. But is the unannounced visit a good or bad idea?

While a go see can help put a relationship's troubles in perspective- giving life to those "its not you it's me" statements, it can also jeopardize the relationship when the person wearing the other shoe feels it shows distrust to spring a surprise on them as though you were looking to catch them doing something.

So for the woman who thinks it is necessary to visit her man unannounced, she has to be prepared for the unexpected, whether positive or negative. It might signal the end of the relationship if indeed there was another woman. It might not digest well if her partner sees it as an issue of distrust. It can even be a deal breaker especially when the partner has been an open book.

And for man who takes it as a slight? Especially if he hasn't executed his commitment even though he has professed it, he should perhaps be more open to the idea of his love being tested in ways he has not contemplated and this is not just because he has nothing to hide or because his partner is probably naively testing a theory handed down as sisterly advice from one burnt sister to her, but because he realises that these are the things courtships are made of- necessary background checks that re-affirm his partners faith in her decision. A faith she will later need when she has real reason to doubt in the future.
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