What not to say to a bride on her wedding day

1. I'm sorry I won't be able to make it

Don't make your piece of disappointing news the subject of your call to them on their happy day; call days before to relay your inability to attend so you can use your call that day to create more memorable felicitations with your friend, colleague or relative getting married .

2. How do I get to the venue?

Again, it is better to do this earlier or call the numbers on the R.S.V.P. Trust me the last thing on a bride's mind is giving you directions, she probably has one naked leg she is trying to push into shoes and ten hands fixing hair, makeup, accessories, basket and gown all at once.

3. When will I get my balance?

This is for vendors. I didn't get how vendors wanted to be paid 100% without delivery and got many telling me about how one bride ran off on her honeymoon and their payments entered voicemail. But we've also heard of vendors who chop the money and the couple never get the video, album, agreed cake or menu so vendors, its a two way street.

As much as was possible I didn't do 100% payments until after delivery and sorted balances  quickly to keep my own end of payment agreements with each vendor. I don't know if it helped delivery but it certainly gave me peace of mind.

4. We want to do something else instead of what was previously agreed

A vendor actually called me the morning of the wedding to tell me a previous agreed detail would be changed. It didn't have to be but the caller wanted things her way and allowed the devil tempting her make her call me to insist on a detail she had half heartedly agreed I could have my way. It took long suffering to calmly tell her "NO" for the umpteenth time.

5. We didn't get food/souvenir/recognitions et al

This didn't happen to me from guests at my wedding although I didn't get food lol (we couldn't be bothered to eat cause it was all dance dance dance and no one remembered we hadn't had a bit to eat lol) but in general I think when you go to a wedding, you go to bless and we can do that assignment well by asking nothing of the couple but to add to the smiles they have on their faces that day.

XOXO

And So?

Haruna and I are different in many ways and the point of clash between our two different personalities sparks insights into mine sometimes.

For instance, he thinks nothing of PDA and I sometimes find it blush worthy. When we were dating and he would reach for me in public, I would cringe into my skin in anticipated embarrassment at being seen by someone I imagined I would turn blush red in front of.

"When are you going to stop all this your shyness", He would say and I would offer my usual reply after my spasm of shyness had subsided  "Maybe when we are married"

Then we got married and one evening he found himself struggling to find where to place a wet one as my face balked in argument. "Someone will see", my mouth said in total agreement with every other defying part of my body

"And so?" came the interrogatory reply.

A light bulb turned on.

Like my PDA aversion, many times we hold back because of the imprisoning inhibitions in our minds threatening us with consequences we have feared would bite but can only bark; consequences we've grown the teeth to bite back with or ones that we've outgrown or that no longer apply.

If I do that , so and so will talk?

And so what?

If I buy that car, they will say this and that?

And so what?

We need to start asking grilling questions of our fears and facing them, rather than taking counsel of them. Salvation will come to many a soul who asks "So what" at the limiting thoughts that have kept them from living the life they want.

And about my PDA gone bad described earlier, after he said "And so what?" I fell into a stifled silence because I couldn't talk anymore. Literarily!




Side Note:

There are endless applications for the Universal Question. I suggest using it every time you feel yourself hesitating to do something that might deepen or broaden your life. The answer to the question "So?" is almost always "Well, when you put it that way..." It pushes us into the spotlight, showing us we can survive there and freeing us to act on our best instincts.

Today, remember that what you perceive as prudent social caution is probably limiting your life to about half its natural capacity; that if you did everything you long to do twice as often, twice as boldly, twice as openly, you wouldn't attract a shred more social pressure than you already think you're getting. Consider that vaulting well past the limits of your inhibitions will probably earn you more positive attention than negative judgment. More often than not, this will work out well. If it doesn't, remember the most enlightening of questions: "So?" Little by little, you'll feel and see that the worst consequences of living in the light are less oppressive than the best advantages of hiding in the shadows

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Martha-Becks-Cure-for-Self-Consciousness#ixzz3OEi74E8j

We did!

                                                                   

 

He said I do, 

 

 

I did too 

 

 

and so we did!

 

See previous articles on weddings here, here and here!

 

 



The grass is just as green on my side!

Does it happen to you that someone you want to be friends with snubs you then later wants to befriend you but now you find them uninteresting and wonder why you were soo into them in the first place?

I have been there before where I felt something was wrong with me because so and so didn't want to be my friend but hey it gets better on that road because as I got older and such friends eventually had a change of heart, they either turned out to be jerks or I turned out not liking them and was even surprised at my disenchantment- "is this it?"

I have had friends who picked on me when we were growing up, friends I liked who didn't like me around, only to grow up and have them warm up to me and I discovered they had traits I would rather live without or they rubbed me the wrong way and I would rather love them from a distance.

Then I would think what was I thinking feeling sorry that this person didn't like me or want to be my friend! I don't like them either!

Also I have seen how someone I admired from afar and wished I was associated with turned out to be just as flawed and human as the rest of us- with baggage I didn't even want to touch or was rather surprised that they had.

Up close I realise that they are just as human and I am just as divine. Not above and not beneath.

I remember stepping out countless times to events and admiring how someone looked and in offering them praise they would often turn back to me and say you look lovely too; and I would counter and say you look lovely, I wish I looked like you and they will say then who will look like you?

I quickly realised I wasn't seeing myself at all. I would get dressed, enjoy my swag and forget it once I stepped into a room of equally well dressed people but I learnt to say you look good and keep in mind I wasn't looking bad either- they couldn't look like me!

So no the grass isn't greener on the other side. And if someone doesn't like you for you, they really aren't worth it.

Celebrate yourself, you are more than you see!

I need space!

The first time I was on the receiving end of this statement, I almost slapped the brown off the face of my best friend who offered uttered them without further explanation for her intentional scarcity. Oh I wanted to rub her face in the concrete, "What effrontery!" I thought at her approach.

Typically I carried the same pained resentment for the unavailable loved one, stand offish acquaintance or feuding friend who didn't have my time until I made a few hide-thickening discoveries of my own.

I felt I needed space too but was too "nice" to say.

The relationship might have gotten too tense or stale for me too and I noticed the constant friction or bored communication too but was trying too hard to fix it when the best option was to take a break from trying and just let things take a natural course till we found each other again.

I could use the space too.

If only just to rub my bruised ego.

In the scenario of a disagreement, the natural reaction is to withdraw when our person feels slighted but sometimes we are pushed too close into the same space to get away or that needed comeback is out of reach so we stay in the hurt, but mentally if not physically we can shift from the source of the offense to the cause of it; asking ourselves loving what hurt us about the incident and offering ourselves understanding.

Stepping into the arena of resolution immediately can cause more grief sometimes, especially if the culprit isn't ready to admit their fault or if we don't get the understanding we expect, so taking a step back to resolve internally is allowed.

I could say I needed space too.

If they can say it, I can say it too without feeling guilty when I do need space. I could give myself permission to say I needed space too when I wasn't being treated right, wasn't getting my needs met, needed to get away or just needed to be with me.

I could let go.

It was okay.  It wasn't about me.  They probably were going through something they needed time sorting out and I could totally understand that because it happens with me too. They would be back when they felt okay.

I was fine without them.

It would be awkward in the beginning but life would move on; I would find new friends and toys in the big playground of life.

I didn't have to fix it.

I'm the fixer who wants to cross the distance after a disagreement and mend broken bridges of communication but occasionally when the other party is not conciliatory I have found comfort in the self respecting distance given to an unapologetic offending friend.

I have also found that the peace in staying on my own while consuming bite sized pieces of a misbehaving loved one only when I fancied the taste for them, was as equally satisfying as the seasons when we 'zinged'!

When we connect with people it's such an emotionally satisfying feeling-one we always want to have so no wonder we try to hold on when it feels we should let go.

Now dealing with those rude and not so gentle demands for space aren't as difficult now.

I don't mind much anymore because I know I can give as good as I get!

Taming Nunu

 

By Martha Beck

Photo: Ann Cutting

                                                 

If Nu Nu had been bigger than a doorknob, someone would have shot him. He was like a tiny chain saw with fur, a snarling, fang-baring nightmare of a Chihuahua who viciously attacked anyone brave enough or crazy enough to go near him. Tina Madden, Nu Nu's owner, was as saintly as he was diabolical. She never sank to Nu Nu's level by reprimanding, much less punishing, him. She simply showered him with love and tenderness, believing that taking the high road would eventually dissolve Nu Nu's wrath.

I've had clients who took a similar "high road" approach with difficult people in their lives. For example, Yvette stayed politely silent when a co-worker, Fred, brazenly stole her ideas. Janae cleaned up pizza boxes and drinking glasses left by her college-age daughter, Emily, as uncomplainingly as she'd once changed Emily's dirty diapers. And Cynthia and Rob's romance was based on lots of give and take: Cynthia gave—back rubs, compliments, gifts—and Rob took full advantage without ever reciprocating.

All these women were as long-suffering as Tina Madden, and the people around them responded just as Nu Nu did: by exploiting the living hell out of them.

The problem is that trying to change unfair behaviour with submissive niceness is like trying to smother a fire with gunpowder. It isn't the high road; it's the grim, well-trod path that leads from aggressive to passive, through long, horrible stretches of passive-aggressive. The real high road requires something quite different: the courage to know and follow your own truth. If anyone in your life is exploiting your courtesy and goodwill, it's time you learned how all of this works.

 
First let's look at the dynamics of an unbalanced relationship like Nu Nu and Tina's. Though Tina's endless tolerance appeared to stem from a deep and abiding love, it was based more on fear: fear of anger, of conflict, of losing control, of emotional abandonment. It was the passive response to an aggressive attack—both behaviours that fall into a category I call ORC. Here, ORC stands not for those gnarly dudes who, as we all know, would destroy Middle-earth if given half a chance, but for behaviour that is opaque, reactive, and closed.

By describing behaviour as opaque, I mean that we hide—even from ourselves—the actual motives that drive it. For example, when Fred stole Yvette's ideas, her silence didn't come from inner peace but from an unacknowledged fear that speaking up would ruin her reputation as a "team player." Janae didn't realize that her real reason for catering to her daughter was to keep Emily from wanting to move out—and tamp down her own dread of living in an empty nest. Likewise, Cynthia was unconscious of her terror that Rob would leave her unless she constantly fulfilled his every wish.

When opaque behaviour disengages us from our inner truth, we stop acting on our own desires and become purely reactive instead, focused not on what we want but on what others will think, say, or do. We never express negative feelings about the relationship—which means that it becomes, in the words of organizational behaviour expert Chris Argyris, "self-sealed" against learning. Opaque, reactive, and closed: in a word, ORC.

Of course, it's not always easy to know if you're in ORC territory. This very day, you may perform completely ORC-ish acts without even realizing it. Luckily, there are two red flags that will always tell you when you're on the ORC road. Red flag number one: a tendency among the people around you to become increasingly selfish, exploitative, and unfair. Red flag number two: a growing disconnect between your own feelings and your actions—directly proportional to how badly you're being treated and how far you've managed to stray from your truth.

Here's a guide to ORC signals:

Feeling: Disturbed
You easily brush aside your feelings and continue your nice, polite behaviour.

Feeling: Displaced
You appear cooperative around the offender, still pushing away resistant feelings but now fussing grumpily to yourself or to others.

Feeling: Hurt
You may actually increase niceness to hide the fact that you're feeling seriously wronged. Anger seeps out passive-aggressively—a snippy question, a slammed drawer.

Feeling: Resentful
The offender's misdeeds begin to occupy more and more of your attention. Kvetching about her becomes a daily pastime; you begin to shoot her angry looks while claiming that absolutely nothing is wrong.

Feeling: Seething
The offender's bad behaviour becomes a central feature of your thinking. You complain constantly to others, and despite continued "niceness," try to undermine her with passive-aggressive strategies like the silent treatment, backhanded compliments, and gossip.

Feeling: Homicidal
You daydream about thrashing the offender in a cage fight. You have knots in your stomach and can't sleep. You're irritable or depressed. You may occasionally lash out at loved ones in what appears to be irrational rage. Toward the offender, however, you still act "nice" and "polite."

If you see yourself anywhere on the ORC chart, don't despair. Many people who wind up here believe the only alternative to grovelling niceness is aggressive dominance. But there's another path, one that never needs to intersect with the ORC road. I call it TAO, which is Chinese for "the way," and also stands for transparent, authentic, and open.

This way of relating, which I teach all my clients, is based on honestly assessing what's happening both around us and within us, expressing our truth as authentically as possible, and staying open to feedback without abandoning our own perspective. And it happens to be exactly what Tina was able to achieve with Nu Nu—thanks to dog behaviourist Cesar Millan. Tina and Nu Nu were featured in the original episode of Millan's TV show, Dog Whisperer. (I keep a DVD of the episode to show people like Yvette, Janae, and Cynthia.) Here's how it went down: As the episode begins, Millan learns that despite Tina's desire to live a normal life with normal human contact, whenever anyone comes near Tina, Nu Nu does his level best to kill them. So Millan sits next to Tina, puts his arm around her shoulders, and calmly lets Nu Nu go ballistic. Tina tenses up as though she may spontaneously implode, but Millan simply holds Nu Nu so he can't attack and waits for the fit to pass. Which it does.

Astonishingly, that's all it takes to move from the nightmarish ORC road to the TAO of healthy relationships. Three steps: 1. Figure out what you really want to do. 2. Do it. 3. If someone pulls a Nu Nu, wait it out.

Now, if Nu Nu had been a Rottweiler, or Tony Soprano, it would have taken more than Cesar Millan to hold him while he raged. If you think moving into TAO behaviour will cause someone you know to become truly dangerous, you need to take appropriate measures. But if all you have to fear is snootiness or angry backlash, you can handle it.

For example, Yvette asked for a meeting with her supervisor and her unethical co-worker, Fred. She calmly described how Fred had co-opted her ideas and produced an e-mail trail to back up her claims. Fred threw a fit, accusing Yvette of being dishonest and uncooperative. Yvette stayed transparent, authentic, and open, matter-of-factly restating her point and asking him to show evidence of his position. Having no truth to turn to, Fred ran out of gas. In fact, Yvette's behavior scared him so badly, he started stealing from other people instead.

Janae realized that while she was afraid to let her daughter leave home, she also resented Emily for not growing up. I asked her to explain exactly this to Emily. Janae did—then braced for a Nu Nu. To her surprise, Emily thought for a moment, then said, "That sounds fair, but you'll have to remind me to clean up—I'm sort of a slob." Later Janae jubilantly told me, "She wanted to be TAO all along!"

Cynthia's story wasn't such a fairy tale. When she asked Rob to be as kind and supportive toward her as she was toward him, he went into a rant about why this was impossible and irrational. She held her ground. "Well," said Rob, "I guess we'd better call the whole thing off." This move was meant to frighten Cynthia into obedience. Instead it showed her that Rob wasn't the gallant prince she'd pretended he was. As she continued to be transparent, authentic, and open, Rob's Nu Nu fits grew so wearying that Cynthia broke off the engagement herself. 

Years after watching Nu Nu and Tina model ORC behaviour, then move to the TAO of genuine connection, I saw another episode of Dog Whisperer in which Tina was working at Cesar Millan's Dog Psychology Center. When a muscular pit bull began to tangle with another dog, Tina calmly stepped in, pulled away the pit bull (which nearly outweighed her), and held it gently but firmly until it exhausted itself and relaxed. Then she continued walking with the pit bull and several other dogs. As for Nu Nu, he had become as affectionate and joyful as he'd once been demonic. Dog and human walked the high road together, showing the rest of us how it's done.

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Stand-Up-for-Yourself-Martha-Becks-Advice#ixzz3QfXJ1WJ5
 

Parenting my inner child Part 2

Remember I talked about associating Haruna's not calling me spontaneously with him not missing me or caring in my last post? If you haven't read it, pause and read it here first. Well, I found this story about a couple Martha Beck calls Tom and Jerri that relates. It shows the way they both interpret each other's actions and how it exacerbates into reoccurring conflict.

Tom and Jerri were furious at each other. On their way to my office, they'd stopped for a cup of coffee. Tom had also purchased a newspaper and flipped to the sports page, holding out the front section and asking Jerri, "Do you want to look at this?" At that point, Jerri burst into tears, all communication ceased, and the couple was officially at war.

Clearly, this had nothing to do with the newspaper. However, the coffee shop incident was an excellent "access point" for figuring out the core issues that were causing conflict. The key to this process is simply asking each person to describe, in detail, the meaning he or she gives to an event.

"He never gives me his full attention," Jerri said. "He finds anything to distract him—traffic, the sports page, whatever. And then he gives me the rest of the paper, like he thinks I'm behind on current events."

Tom's jaw dropped. The motives Jerri had ascribed to his actions had nothing to do with his real intentions. "All I wanted to do was check the baseball scores—my dad and I used to do that. I gave Jerri the rest of the paper because my mom always read it."

Likewise, when Jerri began to cry, Tom knew that, as he put it, "she was accusing me of being a bad husband, trying to control me." This could not have been further from Jerri's intent. "I needed his attention for five minutes over breakfast. If I get that, I feel close to him all day."

Like Tom and Jerri, you'll often find that the behaviour you don't like is triggering insecurities, fears, or unfinished grief. The next time you feel hatred flaring up, wait until you're no longer frothing mad, then calmly check whether the meaning you attach to events is the same as your partner's intention, listen to the response, and then suggest alternatives that might meet both your needs. This technique can turn a maddening moment into an opportunity for deeper mutual understanding and a significantly happier relationship.

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-to-Deal-With-an-Annoying-Partner-Martha-Becks-Advice

Parenting my inner child

I have been reading articles that suggest that fights in relationships are more reoccurring old fights than spontaneous new ones.

They suggest that we get embroiled in the same fights by falling into old patterns of communicating which inevitably lead us down the familiar road to old arguments.

This explains why we fight and settle only to fight again over the same/similar issue, because at the bottom of the issue is a deeply held belief that "so and so doesn't respect me", or "so and so thinks she is better than me" or "so and so is just selfish".

So our interactions with them flare into fights that justify what we believe to be true about the person, almost like a self fulfilling prophecy- "You see! I always knew she never liked me!"

These fights are triggered by unresolved feelings rather than unresolved issues, and escalate by force of habit as we revert to old patterns behaviour.

Haruna and I have had "new" fights over the same old issues too.

I get annoyed with him when he doesn't call me spontaneously some of the time. Reasons being that I associate the activity to how much he misses me or is thinking about me.

When this occurs, what I am really getting aggravated about is not the small sin of omission to call but the big sin of commission of not caring enough or missing me at all. After all if he crossed my mind in the course of my day I would give him a buzz and because that's the language I speak, it becomes the language with which I have interpreted his actions as well.

So I would begin to act out according to my belief:

"He doesn't miss me or he would have called"

And what do I want?

"Him to miss me."

So what do I do.

"Withdraw, cut off communication, become scarce"

So that what would happen?

"So that he would miss my presence and have to call to find me."

It's amazing how my inner dialogue would kick into gear with varied suggestions of what I would do to achieve my objective. I would hear my thoughts schedule how I wouldn't talk to him for another three days and I would picture how our following conversations would be and how offended I would act and feel. Lol! (I really can't wait to get older and more mature. Oh, the perils of childish ways!)

Sometimes I would address my inner child and say I was only feeling this way at the moment, and I would feel different in a matter of hours and if I then wanted to call or be amicable when he called, I would act based on how I felt then and not premeditate my actions to suit feelings that would have changed.

So I decide that to be scarce is to be missed right? Then what?

Sometimes he would miss the signal and assume I was busy and sometimes he would call and I would be distant and he would leave me alone. 

The theories suggest that to break the pattern, we have to change the behaviour we choose when triggered by the feelings we have not resolved, which is not being missed in this case.

This means that rather than withdraw to achieve being missed I engage and talk to him about how my mind interprets this omission and the feelings it triggers and also deal with it within by parenting that inner child that feels she isn't being missed or is being taken for granted when she isn't called on the premise of a whim.

 "Hush now Behbeh, of course he misses you!"

First Impressions Are Just That.

 

 

I find it alarming when people remark that they don't think so and so who is on their case is their type. I look at them alarmed because I used to think precisely the same way, until I met my type.

He checked out on everything on my list.

Love. Religion. Looks. Job. Interests. Tribe.

But it turned out that my Mr Right wasn't right for me!

Like the old me, proponents of this mind-set without fail always have a ready list of what their type looks like.

1. Mutual Attraction

Love or chemistry usually comes up on the list unsurprisingly but love spells c-o-m-p-a-t-i-b-i-l-i-t-y; that thing that means both of you are very comfortable and behave the closest thing to yourselves without feeling like you are stretching outside of your individual comfort zones.

One of the ways you know you are compatible with someone is if it isn't hard for you to please them. If when you do your hardest they aren't impressed, and it takes more and more out of you to make them happy, there isn't much of a fit between both of you and that's not something you want to manage.

2. We have to share the same religion

Beyond having the same faith is having a common application of faith; one person might interpret the other person's level of faith by church activities, how many tongues one speaks and what department in church one belongs to but the fruits of faith like respect towards all class of people, a tempered appetite for wealth, or a kind acceptance of people for instance, may be absent.

3. He has to have a good Job

Earning an income is important but beyond that is how the income is earned and spent.  Does the person incur debt and you find this uncomfortable? Is their car, home or furniture on credit? Are they accountable with money? Generous? Are they in any commitment where certain amounts of their income are unavailable to them e.g dependents, loan repayments e.t.c. Is this person splashing money around town without a kobo in his bank account? As they say, it is not what you earn but what you save.

4. He has to be good looking

I used to say and I stand to be corrected but for a woman, looks begin to pale where there is chemistry, humour and understanding and all those things she needs from her man. When these things are absent even good looks aren't enough to console a woman who lacks her man's attention and affection.

5. He has to be of a certain tribe.

Whenever this sentiment comes up I always say better to say I love you to each other in the language you both do not understand than I hate you in a language you both understand.

6. He has to come from a good family

This is very important but we need to be careful with our definition of a good family because families are not perfect, neither are ours so we need to keep a level and realistic perspective. Family cultures and personalities are different making it is easy to find irritable behaviours or traits in even in the most ideal families so the assessment of a partner based on family background should be fair and in keeping with the golden rule to do unto others what you want them to do to you.

Now, I find it amusing when people remark at how unawares they were taken in love with someone least like their "type". I look at them bemused because I think precisely the same way now having met my significant other.

I didn't have much of an impression when I first met him. I hardly noticed him among the group of people who he attended my talk show with. When I eventually did notice him, I called him Haruna to the guffaw of his friends who found it a funny name to christen him. While I can't remember what I thought of him at first impression, I certainly didn't think he would mean more to me at the time.

First impressions are just that! 

There will be second, third and one hundred impressions after.

So why play judge and pass judgement without the possibility of bail, when the jury of future impressions haven't sent their verdict in?

When all the facts you need to make a decision are in, then you can decide if someone is your type but not before and certainly not on first impression!


image source: http://memegenerator.net/instance/51429120